Sitting in the window nook in my apartment staring out at the beautiful view of the mountains, I am reminded that I am blessed. I know #blessed is just one of the many catch phrases lately but I truly feel it.
I love what I can do when I put my mind to something. It is only nine days into the third month of this year but I have accomplished and done so much. My life is not perfect by any means but I have learned that we can find those perfect moments. Its in the day to day process that have made me stronger. Since I moved to Provo last August I have seen my fair share of trials. Most of them were inward struggles. Battles within myself. Starting this new year I knew that I needed to make a change. That doesn't mean that things fell into place a little bit or even at all but it means that I had to make the change in myself. I am in control of my life. I am in control of how I feel. I know its stating the obvious but for someone who was fighting against everything that was happening to her, it meant a lot. I've learned this lesson time and time again and each time I re-learn it, I'm in different phases of my life so that meaning changes. New light is shed on me and I learn about myself, others and life each time. I guess what I am getting at is wanting to share the lessons that I have learned in these three months.
*Disclaimer* Most of what I will be talking about has to do with dating. Provo life, you know? ;)
January:
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN & MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
I don't even know where I heard this but as long as I can remember, I have been living by this principle. I had a crush on a boy that was my friend, in my ward ANNNNDDD in my FHE group. Brilliant, right? We would hang out, talk, text and flirt. I thought it was great. One night after FHE at my Bishop's house, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him how I felt. I had to ask him on a date. So I did. My roommates got out of the car and I remained in the front seat. I just started to talk. It wasn't word vomit at all. It was clear and straight to the point. He said he would go out with me and I was beaming. Look at me now! I came into my apartment screaming knowing that I had done something that terrified most people (I surprisingly was very calm despite how attractive he was). A week went by and then another and no call from him. We ignored each other at church, FHE and institute. COOOOOOLLL. I was pretty upset. I was angry. I didn't understand. I was like "oh heck no is he doing this to me!" I tried to justify what he did. I gave myself countless pep talks: "You are beautiful." You are worth it." "Who wouldn't want to go out with you?" And while I believe all of these things, I allowed (key word) Satan to creep into my thoughts and feed me these lies. How stupid!! I confronted this boy at institute and said that he was rude and to stop acting immature but that we could just be friends. He didn't know what to say. How often do people actually speak their minds? Especially when it comes to matters of the heart? Its hard. I'm not saying that I always do it and that no one else does. I am just trying to get the point across of how scary it was. I was still nervous and wanted throw up but I did it! And I want other girls to know that they can do it too! You can speak your mind. You are worth it. People want to hear what you have to say. Whether you get the boy or not, it doesn't matter. How you feel about yourself is what matters.
February:
PATIENCE MEANS TRYING.
I realized for the 4302584298 time that I just couldn't sit on my couch and not date. I couldn't just cry about not getting asked out if I wasn't even going out and being social! Or if all I did was "hang out" with guys all of the time. I needed to try new things. I was open to go on dates with anyone. I had to actually live by my own personal rule: always say yes to a first date. Despite my pride, I got a Tinder account. A little something about me- I was one of the those people that made fun of Tinder. I thought that I was "above" it and that I was cute enough for guys to ask me out in person. So imagine my surprise when that didn't happen all of the time like I thought it would. I felt like I was doing ALL the chasing with boys and I was getting so tired of it. I would cry about nothing (Note: I'm not much of a crier) and feel so worthless. Nothing anyone said to me made me feel better. I didn't know what to do. Each day brought its new set of challenges.
I was shocked and giddy over how many matches or messages I got from random guys on Tinder. It made me feel good. I talked to so many cute guys. I went on so many dates. I got so many free meals (what's good!). I was feeling HOT. I had never dated that much in my life. But still nothing was clicking. I started to become frustrated wondering what I was doing wrong again. Then there was one boy that changed it all.
March:
TRUE HAPPINESS COMES FROM ACCEPTANCE.
I met a boy. A cute boy. And we had an instant connection. Funny story: I served in Manassa, Colorado my last transfer (six weeks) of my mission. I was there from January 2015-February 2015. That is where I met the Fringer family. Manassa is where J is from. My companion, Sister Bush, and I would always hear stories about their son, J, on his mission in Wisconsin. He sounded cool but I didn't think much about it because hello I was a sis mish. One P-day I got an email from an Elder Fringer. I turned to Sister Bush and was like "dude I just got an email from E. Fringer?? What the heck??" We were both cracking up laughing wondering 1. How he got my email and 2. What he could possibly be emailing me about. It was about missionary work and it was very cordial, nothing really. We emailed back and forth maybe twice and then I stopped because I was going home and could barely concentrate on my emails every Monday. I went home and honestly forgot all about him. Until Tinder (thank you tinder. Never thought I would say that) He had super liked me (another fun fact: Janaylee, his sister who I knew from my mission was with him when he saw my pictures. He didn't know how to pronounce my name so he asked her. She screamed out "That's Sister Peterson!") I could see the super like so I swiped right on him too because I recognized him. We started talking and I was like "hey I know your family!!!" He got my number and we texted all. the. time. We went on our first date a week later on a Wednesday (2.10.16) and had a really really good time. We just connected so well. Unlike anyone that I have ever met before. The coolest thing is that when he talked about home and the people there, I knew who he was talking about! We kept going on dates and haven't stopped.
I wanted to write this mostly for myself. I want to remind myself to never, ever, ever, give up. On myself and on others. There is always hope and happiness. We just have to be the ones to seek it out sometimes. Faith is an action word. Take control of your life. Do what you want to do. Ask out the person who you've been eyeing. Tell someone how you really feel. I needed this reminder. I still have trials. I still am struggling but things just got a little bit better when I met someone that likes me for me. I know that I needed to learn these lessons & I know that I have many more to learn.
xoxo
^^Poolside picnic with Leah. (That hair tho...)
